Friday, August 19, 2011

Just keepin' it Real...

It’s 3 am and I have a plastic cap in my head. No I’m not frying chicken, I am waiting for my hair to condition so I can wrestle these naps into something presentable. Blah. I had to write my blog while my hair is conditioning because I know that the twisting will take at least 2 hours and that would put me at 5 am before I even started to write. Annnnd tomorrow is my only day off before I move into “20 hours-in-two days-ville" at the “factory.” I just realized that I work sweatshop hours at a literal factory lol. That actually tickled me a little.
Anyhoo, I guess I shouldn’t say mean things about my job because one of my guests inspired this post.  Let me explain. So I’m at work minding my own damn business…moving real fast up and down the stairs in the 90 degree heat. When this lady,( a daily regular and I do mean daily),  stops me and asks me why I don’t like her. I’m like a deer in headlights because I would prefer not to have this conversation with her. In fact, I’d prefer not to have any conversation with my guests that doesn’t include, “What can I do for you” and “Thank You.”  This (I gather) is what’s bothering her. I decide to entertain her “concerns” and allow her to express herself. She says that because I never smile at her it makes her feel uncomfortable and that she wants to know why, I am so…cordial (you know nice…but not personal).

 She asks me out for a drink.

I tell her that I don’t drink or go out right now. She says she will wait. She really wants to get to know me she says. Then she hugs me….like wraps her arms around me and holds me for about 17 seconds (and yes I counted). During our “forced fellowship” she tells me that she is going to make me like her. Inside, I laugh that she thinks she has any control over my thoughts and feelings. In the meantime, I try to hold my body and my mind still for the duration of this. Honestly, I just want it to be over. After all, I am at work. People are waiting on me and I am about 20 “thanks you’s” away from the amount of money I need for the night. She doesn’t notice me being still and I try not to notice that she is still touching me... until she says it….she says…”Why won’t you open up to me?” This took the cake…open up to you? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I know you….? For the life of me, I couldn’t understand what she wanted from me…like seriously??

When I got home and had the chance to speak to my bubbly giggle box of a half-wife, she didn't hesitate to remind me that a lot of people feel that way about me. People think I am mean and distant because I am not a “smiler “ or because I have a dry sense of humor. She says she thinks people love me once they get to know me…but they just don’t know what I am thinking in the meantime. What the people don't realize (I think) is that more often than not my own thoughts take up so much space in my head, I don't even realize that I am not smiling. Which is more, I care about people’s feelings and feel it's best to keep some things to myself because I don't want to hurt anyone or say anything harmful. Buuuttttt….. in the spirit of all this curiosity, maybe it's time to  let everyone in on what I am thinking.  So, here is goes...enter the mind of introvert.

I think....(in no specific order)

1.      I think creating a future that is financially stable for my future wife and unborn children is more important than a club, or a new car, or a thousand dollar weave, or a name brand handbag.

2.       I think no amount of money or good sex can make a woman feel as good as your undivided attention.

3.       I think your memory is your harshest judge.

4.       I think attachment and judgment are the root of all evil, not paper...I mean money.

5.       I think capitalism and democracy are fancy words for “better than” and “more than.”

6.       I think most of us only do what’s expected of us…not what’s required.

7.       I think strippers possess a humility many of us could learn from.

8.       I think Buddha, Mohammad, and Jesus were all manifestations of the same energy-the same people at different times.

9.       I think the truth can be inconvenient.

10.   I think most people are basically good and pretend to mean to protect themselves from rejection and pain.

11.   I think I have more to offer than a fat ass and nice body.

12.   I think slutty women just need some attention.

13.   I think angry women just want someone to listen.

14.   I think there are enough fat Black women in the world for me to never eat another cupcake again.

15.   I think smoking cigarettes is a death sentence.

16.   I think a lot of people talk much bigger and much richer than they really are.

17.   I think my half wife and I make well over 6 figures combined and still worry about money.

18.   I think people that gossip are immature.

19.   I think people that brag are insecure.

20.   I think real friends do more together than drink and go to parties.

21.   I think Black people eat the wrong shit and spend their money in the wrong places.

22.   I think most of us are still slaves…to a job, a religion, our past…or our ideas.

23.   I think chivalry is dead because women don’t require men to work for “it” anymore.

24.   I think you can be a “strong woman” and still be a lady.

25.   I think people are too lazy to think for themselves so they use religion as crutch instead of a guide.

26.   I think women should wear women’s clothes.

27.   I think it’s a wrong to call Karma a bitch…she’s a mirror.

28.   I think bad romantic relationships can almost always be tracked back to bad familial ones.

29.   I think people need to heal before they merge.

30.   I think I’d rather be a role model than a star.

31.   I think people would much rather mourn with you than celebrate with you.

32.   I think it’s sad that my aunt still has to work everyday at 64. I wish I could afford for her not to.

33.   I think most of us don’t trust GOD as much as we fear evil.

34.   I think it sucks that my half-wife’s family lives so far away. I wonder if I am enough to make her feel safe in the meantime.

35.   I think it will be hard to have a successful marriage when I have never seen one.

36.   I think monogamy is functional not natural.

37.   I think your will IS GOD's will.

38.   I think people do what they want to do and make time for what they want to make time for. So, ironically, if you are not a priority…you will be the first to know.

39.   I think that my book can be awesome and amazing but my proposal can be denied because I don’t have enough followers on Twitter and on my blog.

40.   I think it’s perverse to watch TV that depicts violence against humans and animals. How can another’s pain be entertaining?

41.   I think I don’t want my kids to rack up $ 89,000 worth of loans before they learn that formal education means nothing if you don’t know the right people.

42.   I think being pregnant is the closest you can get to GOD before death.

43.   I think abortion is murder.

44.   I think sexuality is fluid.

45.   I think kids should have a father…even if they have two mothers.

46.   I think homelessness is unfair, inhumane, and immoral.

47.   I think people should be more generous with their time and money. (Because poverty is a state of mind).

48.   I think love is an action not a word.

49.   I think when you think before you speak…oftentimes you realize silence is best

50.   …and I think a smile (or lack thereof) can be deceiving…

What do you think?


  1. Good read...I think a lot of things. Like you my mind is always in motion. I should probably type or write or blog or something to get it all out but i'd much rather read *shrug*

    I will share this though. I think your #2 may be why some people think you are mean or don't like them when working. Your "What can I do for you" and "Thank you" feels more like form & fashion than undivided attention. I get it. It's work and work around people that probably irritate the shit out of you, but part of good service to MOST (not all) is feeling like their server is nice & not just employed. I don't "know" you but I have interacted w/ you enough to know that you aren't the mean person people think you are. I can say too that I often get the "she's mean" "she's a bitch" stuff too. LOL. I figure that's the other person's issue cause they typically don't know me. Once again I enjoyed the read. Just offering a thought since you asked. :-)

  2. You are so right about this Dani. And I really want to do better. I pray everyday that people can experience God through me and I hate that people get that vibe from me. But I promise it'd almost never intentional. I will say this...I am a classic Aquarius. Aloof distant...I live in my head. I'm not moved by much...I'm pretty even and emoteless most of the time...naturally. I guess I wish ppl worked as hard to understand me as I do them...thanks for reading. I think you are my number one firework!

  3. Love the firework song by Katy :-)

    You're welcome. I enjoy it. I get bored w/ people (so I've been told) so my continued support means I truly enjoy reading what you have to say. My wonderful Daddy is an Aquarius so now it makes since. Living in your head just comes w/ being who you are.