Yes, I said colonic. You know the whole colon hydrotherapy thing where they hook you up to a machine and “help” you release waste? Yep…that’s the one. Initially, I wanted to do it because of this muffin top I can see rising beneath my belly button. But in light of my current emotional state…I thought maybe it could help me in other ways too. I have read that excess waste in the body can contribute to a bad attitude. I desperately wanted to lose both…so threw my inhibitions to the side and bought the clean colon coupon.
Want to hear about it? Sure you do….let’s begin…
I arrived at the Hadiya Wellness Center at 1:10 sharp. I say sharp because it makes me feel better about being 10 minutes late lol (isn’t that a cool trick?). The outside was a little sketchy but the inside more than made up. Everyone was so happy and pleasant. I wondered if I would be happy too…once I wasn’t “full of it” anymore….
Buuuuut obviously, I was scared. And when I’m scared I overcompensate. So instead of just throwing on sweats and a t-shirt…I went all out for the occasion. I mean, I wore a sexy shirt with lots of cleavage and heels. Oh, and a ton of perfume. I don’t know why I did that. I guess I figured if these people work in a colon clinic all day, I should ease their mind a little by assuring them that I was clean. My nerves however where nowhere near as composed. I tried to make awkward conversation… but the whole time I kept envisioning a tube the size of a water bottle impaling me- then drowning me from the inside.
So weird and scary!!!!
You see while others seem to be completely enthralled by my backside I pretty much stay away from it. I think I resent it a little. It’s a little too arrogant for me. Always wants to be seen and get all the attention. It’s a selfish little bugger that makes my pants tight. Blah. The only time, we really speak is when I am trying to “sweet talk it” with some lotion and coerce in into my Spanx. So, you can only imagine my terror when I found out that the colonic machine was client operated. You want me to put what where? Why can’t you do it? (I thought) You do it all day? (I reasoned in my head). Honestly, I thought about asking them to do it for me…but soon abandoned that idea, because I didn’t want to seem like some sick pervert who wears too much perfume and asks for personal favors from the staff. *takes deep breath* I knew I had to do it myself. So I took off my big girl pants…and decided to deal with it.
I am pleased to say that my experience was nothing like I expected. The tube was smaller than my pinky finger…more like a straw. They also put special ointment on it to make the process smooth and easy. Once I laid down, soothing music was played and they placed a Kleenex with drops of lavender under my nose. The scent was so relaxing. (Not that I could smell anything during the process…because I couldn’t.) The cool thing was I was in control of the water pressure the whole time. When I felt” full” I could either push or decrease the water flow altogether. I decided to do a little exercise in my head while I was on the machine. I imagined myself releasing all the things that have been clogging me up emotionally. I pictured the drama and stressors of my life being washed away into oblivion…never to be seen again. It worked and before I knew it my hour was up and I was getting dressed again…only this time 1.5 pounds lighter. When I was walking out, I said a silent prayer that my physical elimination will soon give way to spiritual one.
I guess my experience today is a bit of a metaphor. I’m sure all of us have things and people in our lives that makes us feel…hmmm constipated. Sometimes these people and things are so close to us they can feel like a part of us. A part of us that we can’t eliminate without significant work and some discomfort. Sometimes the fear of what that detachment process will be is so great that we just hold on to it…clinging to what’s familiar even though it makes us sick. I get it…man do I get it. Still, it surprises me how much “shit” we can carry and never even notice it. That is until, it manifests on the outside- in the form of a crying spell or a gut. But after today, I can’t help but think. What if we didn’t ignore that signs? What if we didn’t cower from the discomfort? What if the next time we felt a pressure so great we could feel it in our body...we simply turned on some music, lit a candle, got in a comfortable position and let it all go….
How do you get rid of the “bs” in your life?