Last week, I was on cloud nine so excited and hopeful about submitting my proposal and closing a chapter of my life that has consumed me for sixth months. But this week I have had a much harder time. I started a new job a few weeks ago and to be quite honest the money is NOTHING like I thought it would be. Beyond that, with no proposal to work toward, when I am not at work I am spending a lot of time "extreme couch sitting," and "marathon tv wathcing." Blah. The job thing is really wearing on me because I feel like I have been here before and I am just not in the mood to deal with it again. People around me are telling me to be patient because it's a new spot and it could potentially pick up in the coming months. My only issue with that is, the whole "could pick up thing" doesn't really work well with my "definitely due" bills. Georgia Power isn't interested in what may happen. They want their money and so do I. I guess I should mention that I have quite a bit of money saved so the money isn't as big of an issue as the uncertainty inconsistency thing. I am just so over it. people keep telling me this is all temporary...but part of me feels like that's the problem. The truth is, I have had one temporary job after another for the entire time I have been in Atlanta. Not to mention, I have been let go from the majority of those jobs because after a while it became obvious that my whole heart wasn't in it...and we all know that nowadays companies want more than your time and your body...they want your mind and your heart too. BLAH two times.
So anyway, I am struggling with all this, because I want more than anything to be done with the struggle and the constantly looking for something else. I just kind of want to get somewhere and stay..you know? Of course ultimately I want to be a life coach and a writer but there isn't really a track for that per se. So here I am again out here in the wind...trying make it work and keep my sanity in the process. AND IT IS HARD!!! Since, I have had so many jobs in the past the prospect of looking for a new one just seems sickening. I don't want to go back to corporate America because I am not a fan of being someone's "do-girl" puppet...constantly having to prove I deserve my job by giving all of myself to some scheme pretending to be a "cause." I;m also not really trying to get another serving job because...I mean..I have just had enough of the late nights and sore feet. I don't know, I guess this is what happens when you are on the verge of something big. Part of me feels like I won't be satisfied until I get what I want. I am just tired of being a hamster in a cage...running in a fucken circle. I just want to be where I want to be doing what I want to do. NOW.
This past week, I felt so overwhelmed, I couldn't even cry. What's worse is that in the midst of me feeling like crap on the inside, I have been beating myself up about it because I know that feeling like crap only attracts more crap. So what's a girl to do? I wish I had the answer but I don't. And that's why I wanted to write to you guys. I want you to know that everyone has these same issues. At first, I was a little hesitant because I know how much we all like to think some people have it all figured it out and when they don't...it can be dissappointing. (I really want to have it all figured it, by the way for you and for me). But, I never want to be the type of person that acts like they are above life and the situations that confront me. I'm not. This quarter-life crisis thing is no pushover. She is a sturdy lil you know what!
I think what comforts me most in moments like these is the fact that I still have the clarity to be honest and understand what is going on in my head. For me, understanding is half the battle. I am getting better at it....and as I get better..."it" gets better. In the meantime, since I know that a lot of this shit is easier said than done. I have learned that sometimes its okay to stop moving and starting talking. Words are powerful more powerful than I think many of us realize. They say that all things in the Universe happen with speed and ease. So if somethings feels, "easier said than done," maybe it is. Maybe declaring what you want can be the first step in seeing in manifest in your life?? So on days like today, I resolve not to run around the city looking for a new "last" job. Instead, I go to my alter...light a yellow candle for enthusiasm...and I talk to God. I tell the Universe and my higher self what I want. I tell it how I want to feel and what I expect. Which is more, I pray in thanksgiving. Meaning, I speak as if what I am asking for has already happened. I like it that way because if keeps my prayers hopeful instead of hopeless. I guess you don't always have to know that to DO....if you just remember what to SAY and who to SAY it to...
*Every morning, I pray in the shower. Below, I have included the prayer I said today*
"Universe, Space, and Silence: I pray in thanksgiving for another day just to live and exist in your kingdom. I pray in thanksgiving for a spirit of abundance in all areas of my life. I pray that anything and anyone that is not of you be removed from my physical and emotional space. I pray for an end to struggle. For clarity, understanding, and peace surrounding my current situation. I pray in thanksgiving for being a living representation of you and your love to anyone I come in contact with. I pray in thanksgiving for my book contract and my book advance. I pray in the thanksgiving for the health and strength of all my relationships. I pray that you bring my partner and I closer to you, each other, and our higher selves. Please guide my every word, thought, and action in your way, and if there is anything I forgot to pray for, please pray for it for me. I love you dear God, be with me at all times Amen"
What do you say...when you don't know what to do?