Wednesday, July 6, 2011

You ain't got to lie, Craig!

When I was a child, my mother told me that you should never do anything that you can’t tell someone. Man, I wish she was here sometimes to share her tidbits of wisdom with todays young and old. Because, nowadays it has become completely acceptable for people lie about every part of themselves, especially about our relationships. Many of them do so under the guise of “being private” or “keeping people out of their business.” My response to that is blah blah blah. Because aside from that being total bull funky shit, it’s also completely untrue. Keeping secrets is almost always about one of two things, surprise or shame.  It’s the difference between a new mother keeping the sex of her new baby a secret of keeping the whole damn pregnancy a secret. One is about surprise, the other…shame. It’s important to understand this distinction early in life so you don’t get fooled by the okey doke. I made this distinction many years ago, but I still lied to myself about why I kept certain aspects of my life a secret. In the end I had to come clean and be honest. Those parts of me that I don’t share are almost always about shame. Or fear of judgment to be more clear. What is interesting about all this is that just like any other habit that contradicts nature*(i.e. doing what comes easiest without resistance or hesitation)* keeping secrets or harboring shame only hurts you in the long run. I think about it like this, for every word my mouth speaks there are another hundred muttering in my head. When I hear myself lying, I know the truth. And even though whoever, I am lying too has no idea. I still have to live with it. Funny how we have more consideration for others than we do for ourselves. Its like I want to save strangers and friends from the truth of my life, because we'd like to keep all the shame and negativity to myself. If I am coming off a little vague allow me to shed some light on the subject.

Today, I had lunch with a friend that I don’t spend as much time with as I used to. About year ago both of us got into relationships and for that reason and others we just don’t connect as much as we did before. I hate it, because when we do we always have so much fun. Today was no exception. But today we had an especially good time because after a year of keeping a secret from me, she finally told me the truth. It was bittersweet for me, because (unbeknownst to her) I have already known her secret for 5  of the 9 months that she has been keeping it from me. It has been hard to know and not say anything. Mostly because as someone who loves and accepts her, I could care less what the gender is of her special someone. As long as she is happy, I’m happy. I was hurt that she felt that she couldn’t tell me right about but I also understood why she FELT like she couldn’t. It was all about expectations. I promised, I would do a short post today so I won’t go into too much detail on the topic. All I will say is that in order for us to live our best lives, it’s important that we give ourselves permission to be whole people. Whole people who change and grow. Just because you have enjoyed the company of a woman for the majority of your life doesn’t mean you could NEVER enjoy the company of a man.  Biology is biology but the human spirit is a little more dynamic than anatomy. You don’t have to be who you have always been to be accepted and loved. But you do have to be true to yourself, if your actions contradict what’s in your heart…YOU will be the first to know. Don’t project your inner doubts onto other people… Ya feel me? Lol  

Anyhoo *steps off soapbox and back into blog bubble* Ahem, I knew that something inside her didn’t feel right telling me and that she would when she was ready. And today I guess her proverbial timer went *ding* and she let the truth flow like water.  It was refreshing.

Our conversation made me think about how many other people conceal the truth about their romantic life. Men and women who date the same sex and lie about it. Or even the former gays who still enjoy the company of the opposite sex and lie about that. Or how about all the cheaters and creepers out there? SMH, its sad. Because what you are really saying when you continue to engage in activity that you can’t tell anyone is I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust my own judgment.  And even if its not quite so drastic, there is some level of rejection that you are trying to escape. Lets me honest, we are egoic creatures by nature. And while many of us struggle to lose our ego, that little bugger has a GPS better than Google’s!  We have an innate need to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. When we are proud of something, we show it off. We tell people. We Facebook it, we Tweet it.  We want the world to know. So it follows that if we go out of our way NOT to share something we must be a little less than proud right? Feel free to disagree with me. But good luck trying to sway my opinion. I just don’t buy it. If you are dating someone and can't share his/her identity with the people close to you its because you either feel ashamed or you are worried that it ain’t gonna last. (I have to pause here to mention that my homie has not been keeping her secret from everyone… just me…so I’m not implying that she is ashamed of her boothing)

And truthfully, I’m not judging that, but I am going to expose it. As I get a little older. I am trying to not only consolidate my life, but to be more discerning in my choices. I try not to do or say things that I am ashamed of or that I don’t want repeated. I feel like, I’m trying to be my best self. Make the best healthiest decisions for myself and if I continue to do that I can proceed with my life with as little shame as possible. (This isn’t always possible, hence the 15 year addiction and lifetime of hiding it…but hey I learned from that lol…let’s move on). I don’t like the weight of shame. I don’t like the responsibility of trying to keep all my information so close to me. If I feel like I don’t want people to know my business, I feel like I need to reconsider who it is my life. You know? Like what is all this secrecy, trickery, and tomfoolery about? Especially, once you learn that the judgment you fear, lives in your head. YOU think something is wrong with what you’re doing, who you’re dating, what you do for a living. YOU thought it before you did it. And now you don’t want the world to know because you fear facing the judgment that is ALREADY plaguing you.  It’s hard to be authentic in the world we live in. But I’d rather have peace in my head than preserve a (false) pristine image that other people have of me.  Beyond that the only reason its hard to be authentic is because everybody is so used to lying the don’t even know the truth anymore. Its commonplace for us to lie about how much money we make, who we are sleeping with, the perfection of our childhood and blah blah blah. Too bad you can only live a lie in public. The truth will always find you in private. Eventually those little while lies grow up and have babies. So what you do you want to name yours…Epiphany or Confession?


  1. "It’s hard to be authentic in the world we live in. But I’d rather have peace in my head than preserve a (false) pristine image that other people have of me." Agreed! We tend to sometimes wanna be something/somebody that we aren't and we get wrapped up in that… always looking for more and better and when we don’t have that thing we exaggerate, lie and hide. Really, your true authentic self isn't as bad as you may think, give yourself a little credit. Fear is real thing... if only we could truly live without it.

  2. "in order for us to live our best lives, it’s important that we give ourselves permission to be whole people. Whole people who change and grow...Biology is biology but the human spirit is a little more dynamic than anatomy." --so true but recognizing this is no easy feat for many of us. I get it but clearly most of our world does NOT.