So Sunday was the 16 year anniversary of my mother's death. I was proud of myself because I didn't cry, like I usually do. Instead, I called my aunt, my mom's only sibling, to comfort her. Once she assured me she was ok, I felt even better. I never considered that there would be a time when I could comfort someone else on a day that has caused me so much anguish for so long. Being able to do that showed me how much I have grown as a woman and I was happy. So that was the first half of the day, the happy/proud part. The rest of the day was a little less celebratory. The boo thing was going out of town again and I planned to use my free time to play in s p a c e! The topic of the day was fear. Whew. I knew that fear was going to be a tough topic to write about, but I had no idea HOW tough.
I structured my book around 6 topic pairs and already completed the two chapters that precede FEAR in the book. I was really pleased with how the book was turning out, but I still had major apprehension when it came to writing about fear. I didnt let it stop me though, I turned on my laptop and got to work. 6 hours later, I didnt feel any better about this chapter than i did before I started. It didnt seem as genuine as the other chapters. My gf said is sounded kind of sterile, detached, and forced. I knew she was right....and I if I were honest with myself, I knew why. I was STILL SCARED!!
In my other blog, http://www.playnspace.blogspot.com/, I talked a little bit about the dichotomy of my mind. I have this highly spiritual side that is all about creating and loving and living in s p a c e, but there is also this other more "wordly" side of me. I am sure most of you can relate. So the spiritual side of me is battling with the wordly side of me and sometimes I feel like I am the referee... perpetually stuck in the middle, trying to find some semblance of balance as I move through the world.
So I guess the naturel next question is...what am I so afraid of???
The answer: everything.
In the book, I counter all tools of the ego with tools of the spirit, accordingly fear is paired with enthusisam. Make sense? The only problem is, it doesnt work when you are still steeped in the ego. Which is my problem. As much as I know about s p a c e, and metaphysics, and spirit and so on, I still find myself distracted by the physical world. Especially, when it comes to my career and money. I have been unemployed for a few months and tom. is actually my first day back to work. You would think I would be happy, but deep down I'm not, because I want so much more than what I see in front of me. I look at myself and I see someone remarkable. Someone talented, whose time has come! But, it's hard to keep that image when you are waiting tables for a living. But even this isn't the real problem. The crux of my real fear has nothing to do with my "job" as a cocktail waitress. It has everything to do with my fear of greatness.I was talking to friend about this tonight and she shared that she too finds herself shrinking from true happiness. What the fuck is that about? Who doesn't want to be happy? I can only presume that my fear is a product of my past. Having felt the feelings of failure and dissappointment time and time again, sometimes its hard to believe that there is something different in the cards for me. (even though I know better). I just keep remembering, instead of manifesting.
I often joke with my gf about how angry I get with myself, when I am in a "mood." The primary reason I get mad at myself is because I do know better. I know who I am, I know that I am the product of source energy and I know what that means. Anything that I want in the world is at my finger tips. All I need to do is ask and believe that I can have it. And that is the problem. My beliefs. It never occured to me until now, that you can know a thing and not believe it. You can have the knowlegde, recipe, and directions to your dreams and still not believe things will turn out the right way. My struggle isn't one of knowlege, it is one of belief. For some reason, I have hard time believing that I am worthy and ready for all that I have asked for. I know that for this very reason, I continue to separate myself from it. The separation causes more stress and the cycle begins again. FML! I can't even begin to stress how frustrating it is to be fearful when you know the true danger of it. Yet, in the midst of my intellect, my heart still sinks and my stomach still drops as I put one foot in front other, pursuing my dreams. In truth, I have never met or seen someone do what I am trying to do. A black metaphysicist author??ummm...yea. Don't know any. I literally, searched for three hours on the internet today and I couldn't find a community of artists like me. On the one hand, that makes me hopeful that I could possiblly be providing a voice to a silent population, but sometimes it feels more like reinventing the wheel. The majority of black bloggers focus on celebrity gossip, and since I have no interest in what Nicki Minaj wore to the VMA's, I sometimes wonder if anyone even cares about s p a c e. I am comforted by the people in my life who remind me that young people do care and that change is possible. I am motivated by the Queen Shebas', Chauncey Beaty's and Aja Monet's of the world. But the prospect that no one is reading, listening, or caring is terrifying. So, instead of pretending my feelings don't exist, I am going to be honest about how I feel. Yes, I'm scared. I want to make my mother proud. My unborn children proud. My boo thing happy. So, I keep moving. Keep reading. Keep typing. Keep writing...in spite of....
For today, I can't promise, that I have unshakable faith. I won't say that sometimes, I don't want to curl up with a photo of my mother and cry and sleep all day. What I can promise is that I won't stop. I WILL PARTICIPATE. No matter what...
And today...that's enough
My sun sets tonight, only to rise and SHINE another day...
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