Thursday, August 23, 2012

PAY ATTENTION and MAKE A DECISION: The Weight Edition


My grandmother was overweight. She had heart disease and diabetes. She had a heart condition called hypertension. She died at 64.

My grandmother’s oldest daughter, my aunt…is overweight. She currently has diabetes and a heart condition. She has a heart condition called hypertension.

My aunt’s oldest daughter, my cousin… is overweight. She has a heart condition called hypertension.

My aunt and cousin raised me after my mother died. My mother also had diabetes.




Two years ago, I ate whatever I wanted to eat…whenever I wanted to eat it. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t care. I was on auto-pilot. I knew that my grandmother and most of her sisters were overweight. I knew that my aunt and cousin, the women who raised me, were also overweight. I even knew that my dad was a “big guy.” But I never thought any of those things had anything to do with me. And then I fainted at work.    

It was 2010. I was 27 and I had hypoglycemia.

Some researchers say that hypoglycemia is a pre-curser to diabetes.

The news was upsetting. To be honest, I thought diabetes was for chubby people and I was not chubby. I wasn’t even 180 pounds. What I didn’t know (at the time) was that my BMI was 33%, which meant not only was I overweight, I was obese. The paperwork they gave me at the doctor’s office said I would need to be more mindful of what I ate. I would need to stabilize my, “blood sugar.” I would also need to decrease my body fat. It took almost two years for me to get serious about my health but eventually, I did.

I didn’t have a gym membership so the only thing I could do was run.

First, I set out to run a half mile. Not even a whole one… just a half. I couldn’t do it. I was tired and winded and light-headed. Since, I am also anemic; I blamed the low iron for the fatigue. But the truth was I was overweight and just plain old out of shape. I can remember driving to Piedmont Park every day and shuffling around that sandy circle they call a track. Soon I could get around it one time…then two. Next I moved to the treadmill. I would set the treadmill at 3.6 (16 minutes and 20 seconds per mile) and jog for 20 minutes. That was in August of last year. In October of last year, I joined Black Girl Run! That same month, I ran 3miles without stopping. In November, I stopped eating processed foods. In January of 2012, I started following a pretty strict blood sugar stabilization diet. I started eating 6 times a day, cutting down on processed sugars, refined carbs and dairy. By my birthday, February 2012 I could run 10 miles without stopping…so in March of 2012, I ran 13.1!  Last Saturday, I did it again.

In less than a year, I have pretty much eliminated fast food from my diet. I drink at least 50 oz of water a day. I work out at least 5 times a week and I have lost over 10% of my body fat. I am no longer obese and two days ago, I ran a mile in 10 minutes and 30 seconds.

My point is all of this is simple…PAY ATTENTION and MAKE A DECISION.  Had I continued to go down the road I was going, it is no question that the next sentence in our family history would have been about me! So many of us have developed a bad habit of accepting whatever we see. We think that because our parents or friends have a certain life, we are destined to repeat it. But that is simply not true. You have the tools within in you to change anything in your life that you want to change. Yes, it will be a process. But I promise you it’s worth it. Now I am so delighted when I see that so many of my friends have changed their diet and started working out. It inspires me to know that I inspire. But I am most inspired by those 4 sentences at the beginning of this post. Looking at it…and then looking at myself I am reminded that I am NOT my past, or my familial history. I am what I decide I want to be and so are you.  

So…PAY ATTENTION to the patterns of life (and death) that you see around you. PAY ATTENTION to the friendships and relationship that feed you. PAY attention to what makes you feel good and whole. And then MAKE A DECISION. You have the power to change your story! 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Acceptance


Yesterday was a very disturbing day for me. It was disturbing not only because I felt like my relationship was being attacked but because of all the feelings of inadequacy that this particular argument stirs up within me.  I felt judged… and because I felt judged and attacked…I wanted to judge and attack. I wanted to say mean things to the people who were saying mean things about me. I wanted to point out inconsistencies in their stories and convince them that their backwards way of thinking was both hurtful and wrong. I wanted to, but I didn't because I was afraid that if I was honest both my kindness and my contempt would be taken the wrong way. 

Today is a little different. I have had time to reflect and in my reflection I have realized that much of my anger is really pain. The pain of not being accepted by my fellow country-men. And the pain of not being honest about this type of pain manifests into silence and shame. A silence and shame that I DO NOT deserve.  I know that there is nothing that I will ever be able to say to convince some people that loving another woman is right.  But, I also know that “Right” is relative. “Right” varies drastically depending on who you are talking to and what you are talking about. And since, “right” and “wrong” have no real place within a universe that only recognizes “Is”… my desire to be accepted doesn’t really have much to do with being right. Is has to do with being honest and still feeling…”ok.”

A lot of people say that they don’t care what people think about them; that the only opinion that matters is their own. Sometimes I wish I felt that way too. But part of me knows that much of my strength is in my compassion. My being able to identify, understand, and empathize with people is one MY favorite things about ME. I don’t want to loose that, just because it hurts sometimes to be that way. So being honest with myself requires me to admit that what people think about me does matter.  I want to feel valuable for who I am and for what I bring to the people and spaces around me. I want my life and my words to have impact on the people I come into contact with. Deep down I think I believe that if PEOPLE don’t like me, I won’t be successful. But I guess what is more important is that if I don’t like ME enough to be honest with people about my true thoughts and feelings, I may risk living in this perpetual state of fear and doubt.

So I guess I have a choice to make.

My choice is not to live a perpetual state of fear and doubt. My choice is to be honest both...about who I date AND the fact that I CARE what other people think about it.

Will their feelings change my actions? Probably not.

Does that make it hurt any less? Absolutely not.

I am going to resist the urge to wrap this up and make it deep or pretty. I am going to fight the feeling to tie this to an affirmation or some sort of life lesson or takeaway. The truth is I am in love with a woman that I want to marry. It hurts my feelings when people around think I don’t deserve that right. It hurts my feelings because there is a part of me that wants to be accepted.  I have no desire to change opinions, or religious affiliations, or other people's values.

I want to be accepted because I am human first.
I want to be accepted because not being accepted can be lonely and painful.
I want to be accepted for the same reasons that everyone else does.