I'm mad. Most days I am really mad and I can’t understand why. I try not to complain but feeling like I can’t or shouldn’t complain just makes me angrier. When I call people on the phone to talk…they always want to talk about their problems or give me advice which is also frustrating. So, I decided to vent on here about all the things that have been making me mad and stressing me out and causing me to become a nervous wreck. I tried to channel and organize my thoughts, because some things lead to other things. Anyway, here is all the "stuff" that is on my mind right now. I tried to be as honest as possible. Seeing it all here makes me feel a little better. Feel free to comment or add what you're pissed about.
At my core, I am having a hard time recovering from this...
“A Dream deferred” stuff
I wrote a great book and I can’t get an agent because my platform isn’t big enough
My platform isn’t big enough
I don’t know how to make my platform bigger because..
Young people are only interested in pop culture and celebrity gossip
I feel like can’t identify, relate, or connect with 70% of the people I meet because I am not interested in celebrity gossip and pop culture
People who have written absolute trash get book deals and reality TV shows...because people love trash.
So, I decided to use my degree and I got pissed the eff off about….
I have a Master’s degree and a part time job
For the first time in my life I LOVE my job.
But it’s part time…
And I need more money…
Which makes me have to deal with …..
I owe over $89k in student loans and have never made enough to pay it. (even when I made a lot)
I have been in feast or famine mode for the past 6 years; meaning I have a job for a year or two get caught up on my bills and then loose my job and get behind again.
I had roughly $5k saved 5 months ago (but I lost my job) and now I have less than $500 saved
I owe more on my car than its worth
I’m scared I will never have enough
I am scared to be angry about possibly never having enough because I don't want to attract what I don't want. (It's hard not to think about what you don't want)
I don’t want to have to waitress again. Or have to get two part time jobs. Or one temporary full time job while I look for another one.
None of the shit mentioned above is fair.
But you need money to live, which leads me to how pissed I am about…
Job stuff (there is a difference between jobs and career)
I made over $1,200 a week as waitress but had no insurance, no job security, and no pride in what I was doing.
So, I quit serving to do work that was more “legitimate” and now I make considerably less AND it’s taxed.
I know I haven’t gotten certain serving jobs at certain places because of my skin tone and my hair texture
I refuse to perm my hair and wear a weave to get into those places (but it still makes me feel bad)
My hair is so hard to deal with. Its thick and long and a pain in my ass!
And of course there is always….
I run …a lot… and am not loosing any weight
I wear a size 12 or 14
People tell me I have a great body just because my butt is big
All my clothes are too tight, and I look like a stripper because not only is my butt big but so are my boobs and my legs.
But people think that’s a good problem to have and they are always trivializing how being seen as a sex object makes me feel.
I’m scared that’s all people see when they look at me…
Come to think of it, people are always doing and saying stupid, inconsiderate stuff
People are always telling me to smile…shut the eff up…you don’t know my life
People don’t comment on my blog although I know they read it
People are always telling me that this situation is only temporary but I have been dealing with this shit for almost 5 years.
People are always telling me how smart and talented I am but they don’t realize that that doesn’t mean anything in the world I live in…where the people seem smarter or more talented.
People always tell me to be strong and patient and wait, as if I haven’t been the one to work 12 hour days in a dive restaurant to make ends meet or work two jobs and not sleep. I am strong. Strong doesn't pay bills or soothe hurting hearts.
People think my problems aren’t big because I have a girlfriend. Newsflash…having a gf makes it harder because I don’t want the people I love to suffer because of me.
And then there’s
My family lives to far
They are in bad relationships and don’t care
They are depressed and don’t know it
Black women make me angry
All the shit on TV is trash
People are so mean and fake to each other
I don’t feel as close to some people as they feel to me
I miss my college sisters so much
My closest friends live to far
They all make more money than me
I want to be better for them
I want to be the person they all think and say I am
I don’t want to disappoint my gf, family or friends.
I am scared that I will…
But what makes me maddest is the….
I know better/and I AM doing the best I can stuff, because…
It’s hard to be authentic and honest and strong ALL the time.
I don’t have any insurance to help with the panic and anxiety
I don’t have any insurance because I keep working part time jobs or serving jobs to make ends meet and in the end it doesn’t do anything but put me further behind my peers and in more fucking debt!
I know that "it is what it is" and I am the only person than can change any of this...but that just makes shit more stressful...
I am tired of trying so hard
I have a million great ideas and no capital to make them work
I am mentally and emotionally exhausted
I don’t have all the answers
I wish I had all the answers
I feel like I should have more of the answers
I know my attitude and anger is not helping but I don’t know what to do about the anger and the anxiety.
I know I can’t quit or stop or shut down…but some days I want to.
I will never stop or quit or lay down
I am not a quitter (but some days I wish I was)
I feel ungrateful when I complain
I feel inauthentic when I am not honest about how I feel
I know I am too hard on myself
I expect better...even though I know I am doing my best
It’s not that I am lazy…I am tired
I’m frustrated. Hurt. Mad. Scared.Annoyed. Just pissed the fuck off.
WHEW…Ok. Now back to pretending like everything is fine…