Thursday, February 9, 2012

Pissed the 'eff off...

I'm mad. Most days I am really mad and I can’t understand why. I try not to complain but feeling like I can’t or shouldn’t complain just makes me angrier. When I call people on the phone to talk…they always want to talk about their problems or give me advice which is also frustrating. So, I decided to vent on here about all the things that have been making me mad and stressing me out and causing me to become a nervous wreck. I tried to channel and organize my thoughts, because some things lead to other things. Anyway, here is all the "stuff" that is on my mind right now. I tried to be as honest as possible. Seeing it all here makes me feel a little better. Feel free to comment or add what you're pissed about. 

At my core, I am having a hard time recovering from this...

 “A Dream deferred” stuff

I wrote a great book and I can’t get an agent because my platform isn’t big enough
My platform isn’t big enough
I don’t know how to make my platform bigger because..

Young people are only interested in pop culture and celebrity gossip
I feel like can’t identify, relate, or connect with 70% of the people I meet because I am not interested in celebrity gossip and pop culture

People who have written absolute trash get book deals and reality TV shows...because people love trash.

So, I decided to use my degree and I got pissed the eff off about….

Career Stuff
I have a Master’s degree and a part time job
For the first time in my life I LOVE my job.
                But it’s part time…
                                                And I need more money…

Which makes me have to deal with …..

Money stuff

I owe over $89k in student loans and have never made enough to pay it. (even when I made a lot)

I have been in feast or famine mode for the past 6 years; meaning I have a job for a year or two get caught up on my bills and then loose my job and get behind again.

I had roughly $5k saved 5 months ago (but I lost my job) and now I have less than $500 saved

I owe more on my car than its worth

I’m scared I will never have enough
I am scared to be angry about possibly never having enough because I don't want to attract what I don't   want. (It's hard not to think about what you don't want)

I don’t want to have to waitress again. Or have to get two part time jobs. Or one temporary full time job while I look for another one.

None of the shit mentioned above is fair. 

But you need money to live, which leads me to how pissed I am about…

Job stuff (there is a difference between jobs and career)

I made over $1,200 a week as waitress but had no insurance, no job security, and no pride in what I was doing.
So, I quit serving to do work that was more “legitimate” and now I make considerably less AND it’s taxed.

I know I haven’t gotten certain serving jobs at certain places because of my skin tone and my hair texture
I refuse to perm my hair and wear a weave to get into those places (but it still makes me feel bad)
                My hair is so hard to deal with. Its thick and long and a pain in my ass!

And of course there is always….

Body Stuff

I run …a lot… and am not loosing any weight
                I wear a size 12 or 14

People tell me I have a great body just because my butt is big
All my clothes are too tight, and I look like a stripper because not only is my butt big but so are my boobs and my legs.

But people think that’s a good problem to have and they are always trivializing how being seen as a sex object makes me feel.
                I’m scared that’s all people see when they look at me…

Come to think of it, people are always doing and saying stupid, inconsiderate stuff


People are always telling me to smile…shut the eff up…you don’t know my life

People don’t comment on my blog although I know they read it

People are always telling me that this situation is only temporary but I have been dealing with this shit for almost 5 years.

People are always telling me how smart and talented I am but they don’t realize that that doesn’t mean anything in the world I live in…where the people seem smarter or more talented.

People always tell me to be strong and patient and wait, as if I haven’t been the one to work 12 hour days in a dive restaurant to make ends meet or work two jobs and not sleep. I am strong. Strong doesn't pay bills or soothe hurting hearts.

People think my problems aren’t big because I have a girlfriend. Newsflash…having a gf makes it harder because I don’t want the people I love to suffer because of me.

And then there’s

Other stuff

My family lives to far
                They are in bad relationships and don’t care
                                                They are depressed and don’t know it
Black women make me angry

All the shit on TV is trash

People are so mean and fake to each other
                I don’t feel as close to some people as they feel to me

I miss my college sisters so much
My closest friends live to far
                They all make more money than me      

I want to be better for them

I want to be the person they all think and say I am
                I don’t want to disappoint my gf, family or friends.
                                I am scared that I will…

But what makes me maddest is the….

I know better/and  I AM doing the best I can stuff, because…

It’s hard to be authentic and honest and strong ALL the time.

I am always in a state of panic and anxiety
I don’t have any insurance to help with the panic and anxiety

I don’t have any insurance because I keep working part time jobs or serving jobs to make ends meet and in the end it doesn’t do anything but put me further behind my peers and in more fucking debt!

I know that "it is what it is" and I am the only person than can change any of this...but that just makes shit more stressful...

I am tired of trying so hard

I have a million great ideas and no capital to make them work

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted

I don’t have all the answers
                I wish I had all the answers
                                I feel like I should have more of the answers

I know my attitude and anger is not helping but I don’t know what to do about the anger and the anxiety.

I know I can’t quit or stop or shut down…but some days I want to.
I will never stop or quit or lay down
I am not a quitter (but some days I wish I was)

I feel ungrateful when I complain
I feel inauthentic when I am not honest about how I feel
I know I am too hard on myself

I expect better...even though I know I am doing my best

It’s not that I am lazy…I am tired
I’m frustrated. Hurt. Mad. Scared.Annoyed. Just pissed the fuck off.

WHEW…Ok. Now back to pretending like everything is fine…


  1. That was a load!!! Glad you are letting it out...somedays, 'ish just sucks. And it is ok to be wherever you

  2. Okay, I'm commenting because I always read your blog and never comment! The trained counselor part of me wants to say, "Kenya, I'm glad you have a very safe & healthy outlet to vent, continue to use it." The mother in me wants to give you a hug, as I pray that my 2 daughters courageously open up to me as you do with the world. The ex-athlete/High School Coach in me wants to tell you to "stay pissed off, you will run longer and faster". The christain in me wants to tell you that "I'm praying for peace and breakthrough over your weapon formed against you shall prosper" The delta in me wants to whisper to you "T.T.B.O.D., call me." The XU grad part of me wants to say,"I feel you on the tuition". The black women in me wants to say, "I love your spirit, your drive, your wisdom, and your hair." I know nothing I say will change your situation....but 5 parts of me said it anyway! :) Jonelle

    1. I just read this again and I love it even more this time. Thankyou!

  3. I am commenting because I read your blog and never comment. :) You have a good outlet to get things off your chest. I always cry when I feel overwhelmed and stressed (i wish I had the talent to write). Your hard work WILL pay off!! <3 Jamila

  4. Because I'm not sure if the pages of your book are in sync with mine I'm just going to type here what I want you to read..but find it & sit with it later...BE WHERE YOU ARE (P.82)

    "You can cultivate the 4 limitless qualities of love, compassion, joy, and equanimity by learning to relax where you are. There's no problem with being where you are right now. Even if you feel loving-kindness and compassion for only one sentient being, that is a good place to start.....Expansion never happens through greediness or pushing or striving. It happens through some combination of learning to relax where you already are and, at the same time, keeping the possibility open that your capacity, my capacity, the capacity of all beings is connect with the true state of affairs. It begins with being WHERE WE ARE.

    COMFORTABLE WITH UNCERTAINTY spirit told me you needed that book for a reason. It's okay to be pissed. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to need an ear, to shed a tear, to scream, to spit if you want LOL. We have to be in the moment & feel the moment to free ourselves of those moments. I know for sure it's hard but I also know for sure it passes. Remember the night of February 2nd in that little room in the back of the restaurant. You were showered with words that your soul needed AND DESERVED. So know that you are not letting a single person down. If nothing else, the fight in you to push through makes them proud. ~xoxo

  5. I called just to listen. I check your blogs an status because I am a nosy mother. I cried after reading just how feel, because when I look in the mirror I see you. You encourage me daily and I thank you for it. Wish you were here so I could make you something to eat. Ohio -XU-DST-BGR-&ect. Pissed off is just that. Love you.

  6. OOOOOOOOOK. wow Kenya, I'm glad you put it into words instead of holding it in.

  7. Let it out sis... Let it all out.... Everytime I get the chance to read your blogs I always feel like you open up more and more everytime, the honesty is what makes you different ad it also makes you stand out and apart from everyone else.... Sometimes standing out there alone is better then standing with a crowd... This blog is the truth the whole truth do help you God... You give yourself more and more everytime you write, one day someone will have no choice but to publish your books... I love you sis. And your not alone. So be mad but keep writing...