Tuesday, January 24, 2012


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller.
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
footsteps even lighter
doesn't mean I am over cause your gone.
-Kelly Clarkson

I have been an addict all my life since I was a 12 year old child. Over the years, I have tried to quit on several occasion but was never successful for more than a few months. This time, however, I have been clean the longest...over a year! What I have noticed however is that for most of us as we relinquish one addiction we pick up another. For me, I went from huffing to drinking -from drinking to womanizing- from womanizing to overeating. It was like my spirit needed something to attach to..to keep it company. To keep me from feeling alone with the stress of being too sensitive in a world that takes kindness and compassion for weakness. Little by little however, I have learned to peel back to layers of my psyche to learn why I do what and I do and to use my will and my faith to manage...myself.

The inconvenient truth is that many of us will have one major and possibly singular struggle for our whole lives. For some it's weight...for others it's self esteem or bad relationships....for others it's money. I think that our plight in life is to learn whatever that "thing" is...stare it in the face and say I see you....but I am not scared of you. For those who had struggled with any of these,  you can understand that when you have an unhealthy relationship with something it can feel like a romantic relationship. You feel sad and lonely without it. Food addicts LOVE their food. They want to eat alone because they have an emotional connection with it. That being said learning to have a healthy relationship with food can feel like a break-up and it can be very lonely. When I stopped huffing I felt completely alone at first, because I felt like no one understood me and I had no clue how to deal with my own emotions...since I have spent my whole life putting myself to sleep. In hindsight, I know that "my relationship" with drugs, alcohol, women and food was just my way of coping with my feelings. For years it was my bad habits that defined me, I thought I would die without them.....but not anymore. It is so hard to refrain from doing what you have always done but at some point you have to break up with the pain of the past and go it alone.  That being said, I wanted to post the video and lyrics to my new favorite song, STRONGER by Kelly Clarkson. In my head, as I am running, I sing this song to the huffing, the food, the girls, the alcohol and all the other shit I THOUGHT I needed...before.... I realized
I was clean
at a healthy weight
in committed relationship
NOT dead.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

What is making you stronger?

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