Wednesday, September 7, 2011

That *****, Karma!

I have been thinking about writing this post for some time now and just didn’t have the words to do it. But after what happened to me and my half wife last week, I guess I really don’t have a choice.  Plus, I feel like my homie gets a bad rap and I wanted to defend her a little. As I said in a previous post, she is no bitch...she's a mirror. That being said…ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my little friend “Karma."
First, I need to get a virtual show of hands for anyone who has ever heard the following saying from your parents or other loved ones “What I am about to do, hurts me more than it hurts you”? If you are like me, it probably made you furious when your parents said that to you. I know all I was thinking (when I was laying over my mother’s knee) is “how on earth can this hurt you more than it hurts me?” You are definitely not the one getting hit by the person who says they love you more than anything in the world. Nope (nodding head in disagreement)…I definitely win the hurt contest. I think I held this belief for most of the years of my life until I started to understand the reciprocity of the universe.  Everything is a big ole circle and what goes around always comes back around. The hopeful thing about that is that our good deeds do not go unnoticed. The inconvenient truth: neither do our bad deeds. Especially if you know better.

To further illustrate my point, I’d like to share two stories. (Yes, this is bear with me...this is a  blog not a tweet lol)

Story #1 “Did I do that?”

Last week one of my exes called me and needed to talk. She was in tears on the phone, so I rushed over. When I got there…more tears. I was worried. I said a silent prayer in my head that no one in her family had died and that she had not lost her job. I don’t do good with stuff like that….that shit is scary for real. Lucky for me no one was dead and she was still gainfully employed. These tears were the tears of growth, or catharsis of Karma.  I knew what it was about before she started talking. I knew it had to be relationship stuff before she stuttered the words “it’s really over now.” What I didn’t know was why. And when I found out why, my heart sank. Over the course of the next hour, she told me in detail about the argument she and her significant other had had that morning. She told me how the day started out good and then concluded in a frenzy of curse words and insults. She said the final straw was when boo told her they didn’t need her for anything.  This, she said, hurt her more than anything because lately she had been doing all she could to support boo both financially and physically. How could boo be so mean, nasty, disrespectful, inconsiderate, cold….wait a minute???? Didn’t this sound familiar? After hearing herself talk she realized that in our relationship she had acted the same way toward me that boo was acting toward her. This is what finally broke her down and in the midst of her recounting her story, she offered a heartfelt apology to me. WOW.
Now some people may be cheering right now because they are thinking hell yea….she got what she deserved. But I had no such emotional party. It hurt me to know that she had to go through what I went through. Because I know how it feels to try and try and be rejected for no reason. To have the person you love, take you for granted and mistreat you simply because they have some residual pain lurking around in their subconscious. It hurts bad and what hurts even worse knowing that this person, the one that you love, will eventually have to pay for what they did (usually, in their next relationship). They now have a karmic debt that will have to be settled, and there is nothing that you can do to protect them from it. It’s going to happen. And in truth, if you care about a person, even when a relationship ends the knowledge that this person will have to reap what they have sown can be sobering and painful for both people. That was the case for us. I never, thought she was a bad person even when she would say things so me so horrible, I am embarrassed to repeat them. I knew she was in pain from past situations and I tried not to take in personal. I also knew that she would eventually have to see herself for who she was and knew that the reflection would probably come through the form of another person. I had known this for about a year, but it didn’t make it any easier for me to see it when it happened.
I told her all of this and I assured her that this may be her karma for what happened with us. I told her sometimes you have to just burn that bad karma off so you can start new in a new situation. I told her that it gets better but I know she didn’t hear me. Bad things suck…but bad things suck worse when you know that you had some part in bringing them about.

Story #2 “Thou shalt not..…”

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways/ and no message could have been any clearer/if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change” -The incomparable M.J.

Now here’s where all this gets personal.  I should start by saying this, I do not claim to be some moral authority who’s you know what doesn’t stink. I am not perfect and I never want to come off like I know everything or like I have evolved beyond certain occurrences…that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just make an effort to be more mindful of what I say and do because I do understand that ignorance of the law is not a valid excuse.  It is what it is….for everybody. (Even chocolate-y, cutie-pie, aspiring spiritual leaders like myself).
So after I left my friend’s house and I was all sad and broken up that bad things happened to her and all she could think about was how sorry she was that she had been mean to me. I finally felt like I had a full understanding of the whole “it hurts me more” thing. I felt good that I had uncovered a new universal law. I patted myself on the back. Go me! What I didn’t realize was that Karma had my address too and he was on the way to my house as we spoke.

My conversation with my ex happened on Saturday.  Karma showed up and my door on that next Tuesday. I guess she felt like because I wasn’t home…she would just kick the door in…literally.   Okay so let me back up. Ummm….sooo hmmmm…how do I say this??? Last Tuesday, my half-wife and I returned home from Zumba to find that her door had been kicked in that our things had been stolen. My heart sank when I saw that the space where my computer had once set was empty. It was gone and with it my book and 4 years of my life. Internally, I allowed myself to grieve for it for about 30 seconds-- because in the back of my mind…I knew what this was about and I had no choice but to accept this as a natural consequence of my actions.  Over the past year, I have worked at a bad job. A job where I am mistreated, disrespected, and demeaned on a daily basis (by both guests and management). The management at my job is not equipped to run a 5k let alone a business but the universe is no respecter (meaning you can be a “good” person or “bad” person) people can have whatever they want….as long as they intend it.  In my career, I have never worked for people who were so selfish, unprofessional, rude, and just all out backwards. Through my conversations with them, I know that they think they have their reasons for being that way, but it still doesn’t make it any easier for me (or the other staff) to deal with.  My time there was beyond stressful and I am so happy it has come to an end.
However, while I was there, I needed to be there. So I did things to make it more comfortable for me. Let’s just say, at times, I was very creative about how I got my money and leave it at that.  I should be clear though, I am not proud of it. Not at all. I am not the type of person who does things like that. But when you back someone in the corner... sometimes it can seem like you have no choice (even when someone like me knows you always do). On most days however, I ignored my higher self. I stepped out of my Kenya suit and became another person when I walked through those doors. The type of person that does things you shouldn’t and were told since age 6- not too.
 About a month ago, I realized how much I was changing. I was unhappy with the change and knew I needed to do something to get myself back in alignment. That’s where they whole no club no liquor thing came in. Once I was sober, I became more aware of what I was doing and I started to feel bad. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. So I stopped. I’d love to pat myself on the back…but I can’t. Because even though I stopped it doesn’t negate all I had done months before…I knew I was going to have to deal with the repercussions of my actions sooner or later. Last Tuesday was sooner. When it happened, I couldn’t get angry….I didn’t even cry. (I have cried more writing this than I did when after the burglary happened.) I thought to myself…when you take from other people…you are really taking from yourself. What did you expect Kenya? My book was the most important thing I had and I took it from myself because I didn’t have the discipline to stop myself from doing something I knew was wrong. It didn’t matter that I felt like they deserved it. I knew better and that should have been enough. The blessing in all this is that I still have enough material to submit my proposal. *Shout out of my mother for sweet talking GOD into letting me keep something.* But this is the first time in a long time that I have had to learn such a hard lesson. I share it with you in hopes it will save you from something similar.
Now that all this is over and I have done whatever emotional penance was required of me, I can move on in light instead of shame. Truthfully, part of me is happy that it’s over. I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder forever wondering when “it’s” coming.  I am happy to say that since last Tuesday, I have a new computer and a new job.  I guess I had a little good karma stored up as well.

In the end my greatest lesson is one of faith. I've learned that faith is about trust. There is no way you can believe in a GOD that blesses you and protects you and still go out into the world as liar, a cheater, a thief and so on. Taking from others emotionally or physically is a tell-tell sign that you don’t believe GOD is going to give you what is yours. I think GOD is like our disappointed parent shaking her head at us when we do something that is beneath us. I can just see her thinking (as she lays us across her metaphorical knee)..."why did you do that..?" It has to hurt the universe to know that in light of all we have at our disposal we still choose to take the low road. I imagine it hurts almost as bad as we think we are hurting others when we transgress against them. . So the next time you think you're getting over on someone, just look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say..."This is going to hurt me, more than it hurts anyone else...."

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