A recap of my metaphorical and physical gains and losses for 2010. Happy reading. This a long one...but its good!
Just when we all thought it was humanly IMpossible, Kenya J lost yet ANOTHER job. I started off this year working like a Hebrew slave for a popular chain restaurant in the airport. The money was awesome, but almost everything else about the job sucked salty donkey balls. The hours were terrible, the management was pompous and my coworkers were complacent teeny boppers. (I should say that there were like 4 among the lot that I could actually stomach...shout out to those guys.). But anyway, I worked there and I thought I liked it. Guess I was kind of reeling from the unexpected lay off from my "real job" in 2009. So even after it caused me to loose 17 pounds, develop fainting spells, hypoglycemia, and a minor heart condition, I held on to dear life. Turns out, however, that hospital bills for that kind of a stuff are a little pricey for a new company....Needless to say, I was LET GO.
The wrong "one"
This is a kind of bittersweet story but I do want to touch on it. The relationship that I had before my present one, was of the most eye opening experiences I have ever had. Through it, I not only learned how fragile the human spirit can be but also how important it is to know the difference between "a good person" and "a person that's good for you." I spent the majority of my adult dating life either trying to find a carbon copy of my ex wife or trying to squeeze square pegs into triangle holes. *yes, my holes are triangular, not round lol. I am on that mind, body, spirit ish!* Anyhoo...the point is, I would date women that I knew weren't the one for me, but try to force me or them to change. It doesn't work! But it wasn't until my last ex that I realized I had never entertained the notion that there could be (dare I say it) someone with a triangle peg! Because we argued a lot, I also learned how mean I can be...how distant and even condescending. How much I gossip and how much negativity I had let creep into my psyche. In hindsight, I think both of us needed to be each other's punching bag. She is much healthier now and so am I. On a lighter note, she also taught me how important it is to loosen up...let my hair down and have a good time. So she wasn't the one for me...but she definitely left a great imprint on my life. Thanks boo!! (if you're reading)
A bad habit
Not even a habit really...its more like an addiction. One I have struggled with for more years than I care to admit. More struggle, and more years than anyone in my life even knows about. I'm tearing up even writing about it now. But they are tears of joy and I am more that happy to say that I am leaving the person who craved habitually abusing herself in 2010. I don't want it in my life and damn sure don't need it. It has taken me over half my life to beat this and everyday its a struggle...but being clean and sober is worth every minute of it. So Hasta La Vista....terrible, bad, no good...crappy habit! You won't be missed!
Now for the good stuff!
S P A C E
Okay...more tears. I know it sounds cliche' but I think this year, I really grasped what the concept is all about. Being the s p a c e, being open to opportunity...to goodness...to wonder...to GOD. I think I finally get it. Life is not about collecting accolades, or money, or stuff, or adoring fans...its about overcoming yourself. It's about working to be healthy, happy, and in tune with your higher self. Its about moving forward in spite of, because you know that each day, each moment is a new opportunity to express...a new opportunity to love, and to connect with others. You know, I've been writing this book for 2 years...but this year: I finished a book proposal. This year, I sent it to over 40 agents (only 5 of which have rejected me so far btw). This year, I started a blog dedicated to my most private thoughts.
This year, I became an author.
For so long I tried to be a non profit executive, a performance poet, a street psychologist, but the truth is in my inner most self...I am a wounded healer. Someone who can look at a person and connect with them because I have my own shit and I ain't too scared or too proud to admit it....or to change it. This year, I learned that writing is my medium to make that connection with people. I love it. I don't need no fancy business title, or to win this slam or that one. I'm good just being Kenya: the good listener, the loyal friend, the trusted confidante, and the dry humor comedienne!
The right "one"
I could write 78 volumes on how lucky I feel to have the woman in my life that I do. She is beautiful, talented, sweet, supportive, sexy, inspiring, nurturing,....and so on. But the truth is, I don't feel lucky. There was no chance in this. What we have is deliberate, it's conscious, it's purposeful. I love her on purpose and she loves me the same. I am more than grateful to have her in my life, she enriches every moment of it. When I am with her, I am even more grateful for all the "wrong ones" that preceded her. I am in no way perfect, but it relieves me to know that I am all the more ready to be the woman that she deserves, because I have seen and done so much already. Thank you baby...you are my triangle peg! (covered in GREEN)
No this is not a misprint or a typo. I really did buy a couch in 2010 and felt like it was significant enough to merit its own paragraph! Just bear with me a moment while I explain. Ahem. After the notorious "break-up" of 2007/8. I felt like hot shit! and not even on platter...just hot shit...stinking on the summer pavement! It was terrible...and the years that followed it were riddled with not only emotional stress but a great deal of financial stress. I moved 3 times in a period of 2 years, each time I lugged both the emotional and physical furniture of our former life with me. But when I moved in 2009, I was determined not to take any of that stuff with me. I gladly gave it to a friend and went about my business. I didn't need in anyway..my new roommate had great furniture. But after our time together ended, I moved into my very own... very EMPTY apartment. The whole moving into my own space was also pivotal, because I haven't really lived alone since I have been in Atlanta. Even at the urging of my girl...I was determined to sign this lease alone. I needed to establish my independence and which is more, I needed to prove to myself that I could do this whole life thing without my ex wife. But my very empty house only reminded my how bad I was failing. I was often saddened and embarrassed by my apartment. It went on like that for months. That was until my fast a few weeks ago...I did a lot of praying and sacrificing and over a 3 day period was able furnish my whole apartment. And it looks bitchin! I was so proud of myself, but not just because I didn't have to be embarrassed about my house anymore...but because it was another representation of my being able to accomplish something and to overcome something. I did the emotional work and I have created a beautiful home for myself. It feels amazing!
So now that I have written a novella of all the very important things I gained and lost and 2010, I guess I'll conclude by saying. Thank you for reading. This blog means a lot to me. It's an outlet and means for me to connect with people I don't know and to establish a deeper connection with those I do. I have gained many things this year...to many to name...but one of my dearest "gains" is you as an audience. Have a rock star 2011. Happy New Year... and cherish every new moment.
Kenya A. Jackson